questions and answers

Aaackkkk!!! Since 2001 I’ve been thinking that my car would be paid off in August or September 2006. So this morning I called the bank to verify when my last payment should be, and they told me that my loan is a six year loan—not a five year loan—and therefore I have another year of payments!!! I need to go home and double-check my car contract, just to make sure the bank didn’t screw up, but I’m sure they didn’t. Shit.

Well, in much brighter news, I finally booked my ticket to London! I found a deal I couldn’t resist (it’s way more than I ever spent on a London ticket before, but still much cheaper than anything I’ve seen since I first started looking at flights this summer). I’ll fly out of National on Thursday, Sept. 28th, transferring at JFK, and then arriving in London early on Friday the 29th. I’ll fly home, via JFK, on Tuesday, October 3. Next up: booking a hotel room. I’ve been looking but haven’t made up my mind yet!

One would think that my flight would be a prime terrorist target because I’ll be flying American Airlines between New York and London. Still, nothing can be done about it. My will is in order, I’ve got life insurance, custody of my cats is in order. So if I do get blown up, at least my affairs are in order. I don’t want to be paralyzed by what could happen.

I had a great time with my friends in Lancaster County this past weekend, and I also managed to squeeze in a much-needed hair trim with my stylist. Because I didn’t have to do any freelancing (aside from one manuscript), I had plenty of time to update my website, do the Netflix thang, read, and relax. Mmm-mm!

Because I’m on my lunch break and I’m bored, here are some questions culled from the first two volumes of my Questionnaire Book series:

_____ is/are a part of your daily diet.
Reading, sleeping, cereal.

You can live anywhere in the world. Where is it?
London (preferably Greenwich, Primrose Hill, Camden, or Richmond); Pacific Northwest; Scandinavia; Nova Scotia; a remote Scottish island; Alaska

Favorite TV shows
Lost, Six Feet Under, Degrassi, House, The Office, The Amazing Race, Footballers’ Wives, EastEnders, Project Runway, Medium, 24, Grey’s Anatomy, Nip/Tuck, Little House on the Prairie, Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, American Idol, Twilight Zone, Days of Our Lives, The Young Ones

The best place on earth is...
My sofa, with a warm blanket, a remote control in one hand, a book or magazine in the other hand, and my cats curled around my legs.

If you were an animal, what would you be and why?
A panda. Slow-moving, big eater, on the road to extinction.

If you became President and could enact two realistic laws and one totally outlandish law, what would they be?
Realistic: 1) I would make medical care accessible to everybody, regardless of their ability to pay; 2) I’d do the same for higher education. Outlandish: 1) I’d put all bigots, misogynists, homophobes, anti-Semites, religious zealots, human and civil rights violators, child abusers, animal abusers, and other close-minded asses on a remote, deserted island.

You would describe yourself as a __________ dancer.
spastic

Biggest abstract fear
Losing friends, family, and pets. Being apart from my pets when the DC area is ravaged by a massive terrorist attack, so they are alone and scared and trapped in my apartment. The threat of nuclear war. Being in a plane crash. Suffering from permanent writer’s block. Having to work 300 jobs for the rest of my life. Never being able to afford a house. Ending up with multiple sclerosis or brain cancer. The rise of the ultra-conservative and religious right in America (I worry that a Handmaid’s Tale-esque scenario will unfold at some point.)

If you had only one year to live, what would you do?
Travel to all the places I’ve ever dreamed of visiting. Write. Bungee jump. Go parasailing. Go skydiving again. Reveal true feelings to people. Meet Tori Amos. Visit Sylvia Plath’s and Marc Chagall’s graves. Make sure the executrix of my estate (my mom) understands my will.

Biggest waste of your time
Being social. Cleaning. Sitting in gridlock. Slow drivers. Worrying. Obsessing. Freelancing (I only do it for the money!)

Favorite clothing style
Eclectic. One day I’ll be preppy, the next day I’ll be in a vintage 1940s dress, the day after that I’ll be in sweats and a t-shirt from high school. Sometimes I’m in a monochrome state of mind. Comfort is of the essence—I’d live in my pajamas if I could! And I love me some chunky platform shoes, flared jeans, and ’50s-style A-line dresses and skirts. I like mixing and matching things, too: a vintage dress with very modern shoes and a funky purse, for instance. I love secondhand clothes, whether they look new or not.

What’s the best thing about summer?
How the sky looks before a thunderstorm. Gardens. Going swimming in the ocean. Going to the Jigger Shoppe with friends when I’m home in Lebanon. Walking into an air-conditioned building on a hot day. Having a few hours of daylight left after I leave work. Those glorious days where—after a long stretch of clammy, humid, hazy, disgustingly hot days—I wake up and the sky is bright blue and there is a perfect breeze and the sun is warm but not blazing, and I just want to roll around in the grass, barefoot.

About winter?
Snow (and the expectation of work being cancelled). The beautiful, barren, melancholy gloominess of the landscape. Seasonal food (my mom’s whoopie pies and my grandfather’s PA Dutch potato filling). December holidays. Long, cozy nights spent snuggling under blankets with my cats curled beside me. Warm, heavy clothes hiding imperfections and unshaved legs. The delicate bones of trees. Frost. Icicles.

About autumn?
The buttery light. Cool weather. Growing darkness. Halloween and Thanksgiving. Glorious leaves. A feeling of renewal (harkening back to the days when autumn meant the start of a new school year, when anything was possible).

About spring?
Growing light. Flowers. Schizophrenic weather.

What living person do you most admire?
This might sound corny, but I admire all the soldiers who are abroad right now, cleaning up our government’s messes. I also admire people who survive trauma, catastrophe, and/or abuse without letting it destroy them, and people who go out of their way to help humans or animals in need.

What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Closed-mindedness. Also, willful ignorance.

In yourself?
I am so lazy, it’s ridiculous. I have thoughts that can be quite mean. I’m shy. And lord knows my self-esteem ain’t the best in town, although it has improved in recent years.

What do you consider the most overrated virtue(s)?
Ambition, being in a relationship, having kids, being social.

What is your favorite journey?
Going home, wherever home may be. Driving around the back country roads of Lebanon and Lancaster Counties. Going on vacation. Returning to London. Heading to the ATM to deposit a big, fat freelancing check.

What is your greatest extravagance?
Letting myself believe that things will be okay in the end, even though there’s no overwhelming evidence to support this theory. Procrastinating. Wasting hours on the internet each week. Eating breakfast cereal for dinner. Reading trashy American and British magazines.

What object (not person or pet) is the greatest love of your life?
I guess right now it’s my website, because I’ve put so much time and energy into it, and I’m proud of it. Plus I’m really hungry for creative outlets, and right now this is the only thing I’m doing which fits the bill!

What talent/ability would you most like to have?
Natural: 1) Play an instrument. 2) Be a fantastic sculptor, photographer, and writer. 3) Be fabulous in the kitchen. 4) Know how to operate every single graphic design program in existence. 5) Be capable of doing math and my own taxes. Supernatural: 1) Become invisible at will. 2) Fly. 3) Time travel.

If you could change one thing about yourself, it would be...
My laziness.

What is your most treasured possession?
My Rowlf puppet. I received him for Christmas 1981 and he has been on my bed since then. Also, my journals, photos, custom-made iron headboard, camera, books, and travel scrapbooks. And the boxes of letters, cards, and mementos I have collected over the years.

What do you consider your greatest achievement?
Studying abroad, graduating cum laude from college, moving to the DC area and not having it be a disaster, skydiving, working for my current job. Making it this far without having a nervous breakdown.

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
Mental illness. Standing by helplessly as your relationship with your significant other unravels and breaks your heart. Losing someone you love. Homelessness. Suffering from a terminal or catastrophic illness. Dealing with the emotional aftereffects of a trauma or catastrophe.

State five words that describe you.
Homebody, introverted, solitary, lazy, intuitive.

State five words that don’t describe you.
Perky, shallow, energetic, extroverted, conformist.

State five words that described you when you were a teen.
Depressed, moody, melodramatic, self-absorbed, creative.

What do you think is the most intriguing period in history?
World War II, especially the London Blitz and the Holocaust. The medieval era.

If you could invent anything, what would it be?
A personal robot who would take care of the mundane aspects of my life that I hate: cleaning, preparing meals, taking out the garbage, scooping the litterbox, running errands, freelancing, etc.

My biggest fashion mistake ever was _____.
Using a home stripping kit to get the black dye out of my hair when I was 17—I spent the next year with sick, crunchy, tri-colored hair

I always need a little help from _____.
Effexor, my journal, my friends.

What are people always surprised to learn about you?
I was born without a sense of smell and I got chucked out of England when I was 22.

Who or what did you worship when you were 15?
The idea of non-conformity, The Cure, Puccini, Gabrielle Wells (a gothy girl from my school), Neil Patrick Harris (I had a raging crush on him, go figure), England, the Young Ones, the Monty Python boys.

If you were a kitchen utensil, what would you be and why?
A can opener—eager to pry the surfaces off people, to see what exists within.

Can you imitate any celebrities or do any stupid human tricks?
I can kinda imitate Joey Lawrence’s “whoa” thing and Missy’s grandmother. The only trick I can do is bend my thumbs back, because I’m double-jointed.

What is your favorite music video?
Do they even make music videos anymore?? And if so, why do they bother? It’s not like MTV and VH1 ever play music! My favorites from the days when music videos did air: Never Tear Us Apart (INXS), Come to my Window (Melissa Etheridge), Right Now (Van Halen), Spark (Tori Amos), 1000 Oceans (Tori Amos), Perfect Drug (NIN), Frozen (Madonna), High Hopes (Pink Floyd), Everybody Hurts (REM).

What is the perfect first date for you?
A surprise picnic in a cemetery or barren field, at night, with candles and classical music. We would talk and laugh and dance. Or a nice meal at a tasty ethnic or vegetarian restaurant, followed by a great foreign film and maybe strolling around Georgetown or Old Town.

If your house was on fire and you only had enough time to save three objects (your family and pets are already safe), what would they be?
My journals, Rowlf, my photo collection.

You end up in Hell. Describe it.
I’m forced to sit on a torn leather seat and listen to repetitive music, hip hop, rap, and Aaron Neville while worms crawl on me. I’m forced to eat meat and my body is wracked with acid reflux, gas pains, and tingling. The walls are covered in disturbing patterns, blinking internet banner ads, and internet pop-up ads. I’m not allowed to sleep. Wailing ambulance, fire truck, and police sirens blare. I’m forced to exercise, play sports, do math equations, and do freelance manuscripts constantly. I am separated from the people and pets who I love. There is no internet, email, music, books, nature, art, or vegging.

What is your favorite time occupation?
Vegging, reading, emailing friends, surfing the net, watching TV, sleeping, watching movies, checking out art exhibits that interest me, relaxing in nature, working on my website.

Favorite city you’ve ever been to.
All-time favorite: London. Next up: Tallinn; Edinburgh; St. Petersburg; San Francisco; Chicago; various little towns in Scotland (especially Pittenweem); various towns and cities in England (esp. Dover, Oxford, and York); Lancaster, PA; Bethesda, MD; Old Town Alexandria, VA; the Georgetown section of DC; Takoma Park, MD; Northampton, MA; Helsinki; Glasgow; Ottawa; Florence; Paris; Lucerne; Berne; Rome; Rothenburg.

What is it that you most dislike?
Intolerance, ignorance, prejudice, waking up, religious fundamentalists, right-wing conservatives, animal abusers, child abusers, misogynists, math, meat, being broke, inappropriate apostrophes and quote marks, repetitive noises, people whose postings on internet message boards are practically incoherent because their spelling and punctuation are so sloppy, smoking, eczema flare-ups, tingling, insomnia, vomiting, iced tea and lemonade, telemarketers, spam, pop-up ads, flashing banner ads, gridlock, humidity, getting my neck touched, people who loudly blab on cell phones in public, crappy drivers, exercise, super-bright headlights, SUVs, my noisy neighbors.

What can’t you live without?
My loved ones, my cats, books, my camera, the internet, TV, nature, sleep, breakfast cereal.

Favorite food(s)
Pretty much any vegetarian dish from anywhere in the world (Indian, Thai, Mediterranean, American, you name it), breakfast cereal, Subway’s Veggie Delite subs, VegeBest vegetarian ham, grilled cheese with tomatoes, Cedar Lane brand vegetarian ham and cheese pockets, Amy’s brand soy cheese pizza pockets, baked brie, English muffin pizzas, my mom’s whoopie pies, my grandfather’s PA Dutch potato filling, veggie dogs wrapped in crescent rolls with cheese, Papa John’s pizza, BLTs (w/ vegetarian bacon), mint chocolate chip ice cream, caramel ice cream, chocolate and peanut butter ice cream, hot fudge sundaes (with no nuts), old-school McDonald’s apple pies (which are still sold throughout Europe!).

If you could design your own college courses, they would study...
Self-injury and its satellite issues (sexual abuse, ritual abuse, psychiatric abuse, MPD); urban legends and the symbolism behind them; literature written by the mentally ill; self-injury literature; nuclear holocaust literature; nuclear war in pop culture; dystopian literature; young adult literature; a course that compares the writing and lives of Sylvia Plath and Anne Sexton.

What was your best-ever Valentine’s Day?
It was 1998, when Missy, Gates, and I took a road trip to Nashville during the three-day Valentine’s Day/President’s Day weekend. Since we’re all freak- and misfit-magnets, we encountered lots of…er… interesting folks in Nashville. Even the long 13-hour drive was peppered with hysterical, memorable moments. We took a bus tour of Nashville landmarks and country music stars’ homes (our driver was a lunatic) and we also ate dinner at a posh revolving restaurant on top of a skyscraper. It was truly a fabulous Valentine’s Day I’ll never forget.

What was your first job?
I worked at Hardees fast food restaurant throughout 10th grade, when I was 15 years old. I earned minimum wage, which was something like $3.70 at the time. Hot damn, I thought I was rich! And considering the fact that my weekly allowance was only $5, I was kind of rich.

What is the strongest opinion you hold, which other people may not agree with?
I am vehemently pro-choice and vehemently pro-animal protection. And I am very pro-psychotropic drugs. Okay, they are overprescribed and can be abused, but I just think that too many people (I’m looking at you, Tom Cruise) are quick to dismiss their benefits, and too many people are quick to say, “Well, they’re fine for short-term treatment, but you should get off them ASAP.” For situational depression, that’s fine, but what if you’ve got chronic depression? Telling someone with chronic depression to get off drugs after, say, a year is like telling a diabetic to get off insulin after a year.

What is the strongest craving you get?
These days I am craving a house—buying it and decorating it.

What have you lost that you would most like to retrieve?
A feeling of unadulterated optimism about my future. When I was a teenager, I honestly believed that I could move to England, become a famous writer, buy a big house, and marry a fantastic man. I had faith in my ability to accomplish those things. I miss having that much optimism for ridiculously out-of-bounds dreams. Like I said earlier, I do allow myself the luxury of believing that things will be okay in the end, but not that okay!

_____ is/are sexy but ______ is/are sexier!
glasses … loving animals

To grow a _____ you have to plant a ______.
spine … betrayal

What’s the most expensive item of clothing you own?
I do have a Juicy Couture shirt, but I bought it off eBay, so it was cheaper than its normal designer price. In lieu of that, I suppose the most expensive item is the floor-length black velvet hooded cape I bought in London during my senior year of college. It cost £90. And really, I have no clue why I bought it. I think it was the most expensive impulse purchase I’ve ever made.

Three ways in which you are stereotypically a boy.
1) I barely care about makeup or jewelry. 2) I don’t even brush my hair, much less style it. 3) The idea of getting spa treatments doesn’t appeal to me at all (except for a heated mud bath!), and neither do girly toiletries (scented lotions and creams and whatnot).

Three ways in which you are stereotypically a girl.
1) I know nothing about cars. 2) I really like wearing skirts/dresses and carrying funky purses. 3) I hate sports.


song heard most recently before posting: C’est Lui Que Mon Coeur a Choisi—Edith Piaf