But anyway, I watch the news every morning, and yesterday something related to the presidential race actually penetrated my bleary-eyed stupor. It was reported that Mike Huckabee said something like, “The Constitution should be amended to fit the word of God—the word of God shouldn’t be amended to fit the Constitution.”
All I could do was thunk my head into a pillow and groan. This guy could absolutely end up being the next president of the United States. To say it’s unsettling would be...uh...a bit of an understatement.
And in that vein, Debbie pointed me to a fabulous website, Fundies Say the Darndest Things. This is effing brilliant. Check out some of these nuggets of wisdom:
[about a girl being born with mental disabilities]Me: See, and that’s totally why I was born with craniosynostosis—because my time in the womb was spent murdering people and coveting my neighbor’s wife.
Most afflictions like this are caused by sins committed while still inside the womb.
[about an 11-year-old girl who was raped and then buried alive]
god was sacrificing this child as a way to show others the light. much as he did his own child. what a beautiful gift he has given us.
Me: Yes, when I hear about children being raped and buried alive, “beautiful” is most certainly the first word that comes to mind. :-/
I often debate with evolutionists because I believe that they are narrow mindedly and dogmatically accepting evolution without questioning it. I don’t really care how God did what He did. I know He did it.
Me: Pot, meet kettle.
If u have sex before marriage then in Gods eyes u are married to that person if a man rapes a woman in Gods eyes they are married it sucks for the girl but what can we do lol
Me: omg rape totally sucks 4 the girl but u gotta do what u gotta do and the girl and the rapist can have tru luv 4-eva in Gods eyes lol!!!!!
Marriage entitles sexual relations biblically. If the WIFE resists there could be PHYSICAL ABUSE CHARGES (yesterday), but not RAPE biblically because her body is NOT her own after marriage, but the husbands. That’s like saying you just STOLE something from a store that you legally had paid for in full. Logic to the contrary is also proof that America has been feminized, sad, but true.
Me: Hell yeah! If I ever get married, my body will absolutely belong to my husband. He can do with it what he pleases—beat it, sodomize it, scar it, whatever. THY WILL BE DONE. After all, this is the 12th century, right? Now please excuse me while I step away from my computer to apply leeches to myself in order to stabilize my levels of melancholic black bile.
The musical “Beauty and the Beast” made by atheist homosexual heathens at Walt Disney is designed to subtly create tolerance in the foolish american society for BESTIALITY !
Me: I knew there was something diabolical about those Disney Princesses and their quest for world domination. (No, seriously.) But just last Sunday, when I was babysitting Olivia, we watched Beauty and the Beast (I was obliged to do so; it’s one of her favorite movies, and you try pulling a 3 ½-year-old girl away from her Disney DVDs). Not only did we watch the whole film—we also watched it with the dogs lying next to us. How on earth did we restrain ourselves from humping those dogs???
This is what it would be like, if the majority of people were athiests.
ATHIEST KID: Mom, I’m going to go fuck a hooker.
ATHIEST MOM: Okay, son.
ATHIEST KID: Afterwards, I’m going to go smoke pot with my friends, since it’s “not addictive.”
ATHIEST MOM: Okay, come home soon!
The athiest kid leaves the room. The father comes home from work several minutes later.
ATHIEST DAD: Hey!
ATHIEST MOM: Hi, honey! I’m pregnant again. I guess I’ll just get another abortion, since “fetuses don’t count as human life.”
ATHIEST DAD: Okay, get as many abortions as you want!
ATHIEST MOM: Oh, and don’t go in the bedroom.
ATHIEST DAD: Why not?
ATHIEST MOM: There are two gay men fucking eachother in there.
ATHIEST DAD: Why are they here?
ATHIEST MOM: I wanted to watch them do it for awhile. They just aren’t finished yet.
ATHIEST DAD: Okay, that’s fine with me!
Suddenly, their neighbor runs into the house.
ATHIEST NEIGHBOR: Come quick, there’s a Christian outside!
ATHIEST MOM: We’ll be right there!
The athiest couple quickly put on a pair of black robes and hoods. They then exit the house, and run into the street, where a Christian is nailed to a large, wooden X. He is being burned alive. A crowd of athiests stand around him, all wearing black robes and hoods.
RANDOM ATHIEST: Damn you, Christian! We hate you! We claim to be tolerant of all religions. But we really hate your’s! That’s because we athiests are hypocritical like that! Die, Christian!
THE END
Scary, isn’t it?
Me: Bwah! This is the finest piece of playwriting I’ve ever read. Now I know what all my “athiest” friends are doing after I leave their houses! One friend in particular is really involved with an animal protection charity, and she devotes a lot of time to doing free spay/neuter clinics for low-income people. And the thing is, I just don’t know how she finds the time to do all this after a long day of burning Christians, screwing hookers, getting abortions, and watching gay men have sex.
To limit one’s family size for economic reasons is to demonstrate a lack of trust in the sovereign God of the universe to provide an heritage for you and to meet your family’s needs.
Me: I know. All those children living in grinding poverty in Africa and the slums of Rio and Calcutta can certainly attest to that.
Gravity: Doesn’t exist. If items of mass had any impact of others, then mountains should have people orbiting them. Or the space shuttle in space should have the astronauts orbiting it. Of course, that’s just the tip of the gravity myth. Think about it. Scientists want us to believe that the sun has a gravitation pull strong enough to keep a planet like neptune or pluto in orbit, but then it’s not strong enough to keep the moon in orbit? Why is that? What I believe is going on here is this: These objects in space have yet to receive mans touch, and thus have no sin to weigh them down. This isn’t the case for earth, where we see the impact of transfered sin to material objects. The more sin, the heavier something is.
Me: *crickets*
The cure is to not be a faggot, to not use needles/drugs, and to not treat the women of ones own nation (people) as hoes. Keep it righteous. The only cure for America in nuclear fire.
Me: Okay, all joking aside, this stuff makes me uneasy. It’s a sad but true fact: there are still a lot people in modern-day America who think that AIDS is solely a disease for gays, junkies, and the promiscuous. But what’s really scary about this person’s comment is the last bit tacked on the end. When lunatics fall into this mindset, catastrophes happen. It doesn’t matter if the lunatic in question is Christian, Muslim, a cult leader, a survivalist in Wyoming, or none of the above. Innocent lives are taken, families are cleaved apart.
And I’m sorry, but wanting America to be purified in a nuclear fire? It makes you no better than the radical Islamic suicide bombers who are blowing up cafés in Jerusalem, nightclubs in Bali, and skyscrapers in New York. It makes you no better than the IRA members blowing up streets in Omagh and the ETA Basque separatists blowing up trains in Madrid. You, a proud American whose blood surely runs red, white, and blue—who would probably rather die than even be mentioned in the same breath as a Muslim—are behaving exactly like the Jihad-happy fundamentalists shown waving their Kalashnikovs on al-Jezeera. You’re actually okay with that? Oh, wait—stupid me. I forgot that Jesus’s motto was “Love thy neighbor, turn the other cheek, and vaporize millions of innocent people.”
song heard most recently before posting:
Paperweight—Schuyler Fisk & Joshua Radin
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